Fear

And tonight was the first time I’d cried because of him.

But nothing was wrong. The weekend was perfect. He greeted me with a smile and a kiss. We laid in bed until noon, ate cereal and watched tons of television. There were walks on the beach, digging our toes in the sand and felt the salty breeze on our skin as we sat on the swings.

The sky was stained a deep pink as dusk came. The waves crashed and met us at the shore. It felt like my world had shrunk and in that moment, it was just me and him.

There were short kisses, long kisses, deep kisses and light kisses. I’ve memorized the way his fingers feel when they’re laced with mine. And the way he quietly looks at me. The way he presses his lips on the top of my head. And the way the sides of his eyes creases when he smiles.

It’s funny how in just a couple of months, this stranger has turned into someone I think about every day now.

I laid against his chest one night in a dark room with the television playing idly in the background. It was one of those moments you wished time would freeze for you. I had forgotten how comforting it felt to hear another person’s heartbeat. Mine was racing as I thought of a way to tell him how much he meant to me now.

But of course, words can only say so much and I swallowed hard when he didn’t respond.

I don’t know why he decided to take a chance on me. If only he knew how broken and imperfect I am, I wonder if he would still want me the same? Sometimes, I get really scared. What if I find myself crying on the floor for days again? What if my heart gets broken into a million different pieces again?

I don’t know if I could pick them up and move on like I did.

It’s close to midnight and I’m pouring myself out to a million other strangers that I don’t know. Are you scared of love? Because I’ve just realized that I am terrified. And I’m afraid that I can’t learn how to love again.

Advertisements